DVO’S DADDY OF THE WEEK: RON JOHNSONSince Derrick Van Orden is apparently incapable of developing a political identity of his own, he’s settled for the next best thing: Shadowing Ron Johnson like a sick puppy, barking out the same baseless COVID conspiracy theories Johnson has been rambling about for years.
A few weeks ago, Van Orden called for the jailing of Dr. Fauci, and then promptly forgot about it. When his political role model, Ron Johnson, started talking about it again, so did Derrick. What a tremendous display of leadership from a sitting congressman! Always one rage tweet behind everyone else, waiting to see what next internet hot topic he should be mad about. This Whine Wednesday author has a suggestion—let’s put all that fake Covid outrage into actually producing meaningful change in your district, Derrick!
WORST TAKE: Donald Trump is a machine
Van Orden’s loyalty to Trump would be almost awe-inspiring, if we lived in a different world and Van Orden wasn’t: 1. A member of congress that is supposed to be representing his constituents, not the President, and 2. Representing a purple state in a purple district. It is also a bit concerning seeing a sitting member of congress spend his time dying on a hill about the physical prowess – or, lack thereof – of an 80-year-old man.
But you know what! Let’s dabble in some bipartisanship for a second. Maybe Donald Trump is a machine! A cost raising, war starting, healthcare stealing machine! BACK TO THE BATHROOM TALK This Whine Wednesday editor was once a preschool teacher and I would like to extend a message I taught 4-year-olds to Van Orden: Bathroom talk stays in the bathroom! Never did I ever think that I would have to explain this concept to an elected official.
Personally, we want to go back to a time where this hyperfixation on bathroom talk would be disqualifying for a member of congress, but nonetheless, this is the moment we find ourselves in. So, here we are, just showing you the weirdness because there really isn’t much to say. PUT. THE. GROK. DOWN. PLEASE!Derrick, why are you spending your time AI generating photos of Adam Kinzinger? We know this is probably getting a bit redundant but holy smokes this man is addicted to grok! His most recent Grok masterpiece? AI generated images of a former congressman. Derrick Van Orden also spent his Twitter time entertaining discussions in his comments of said former congressman. In case Derrick Van Orden needs a reminder, he has to run one of the toughest re-election campaigns in the country, not an art class discussion.
Instead of meeting with constituents or holding town halls, Van Orden is sitting behind a screen typing “Adam Kinzinger little on horse with a bunch of big guys on horses behind him.” (Which, by the way, for a man so obsessed with hairlines, Kinzinger’s AI figure seems to be the only one without a receding hairline.) At least he admitted that his AI skills are not that strong—just like his legislative skills! SNOWFLAKE ALERT: Van Orden Triggered by Obama Presidential CenterLast week, the Obama Presidential Center opened, and Mr. Van Orden had a lot of feelings about it. Back to his love for grok, he could not stop turning the center into a trashcan.
What’s killing us is there is really nothing to be mad about here, Van Orden just had to put his two cents in. This is a building that will encourage community growth and expand library access to families in Chicago. So yeah, we are really struggling to see the issue here considering it also was paid for entirely by donations. But hey, Van Orden cares more about fake outrage and the title of Congressman than actually representing the people of WI-03.
Author’s note: Missing Thirsty Thursday, our video format of Whine Wednesday? Our host is currently under the weather, but don’t worry—they are hydrating with lots of water and will be back next week! |
