MADISON, Wis. —  Van Orden has had quite the head-spinning week as evidenced by his 224 tweets. From a desperate attempt at covering his tracks to dying on a hill on the definition of assless chaps, you can find all the highlights (or lowlights) of Van Orden’s online presence this past week below.

DVO’S DADDY OF THE WEEK: Himself 

Last week — right before we sent out the last Whine Wednesday — Van Orden was caught on video saying he doesn’t know if he’s going to get re-elected. Then, in classic Van Orden fashion, he got mad at people for accurately reporting exactly what he had just said. His explanation? He’s simply too busy working on issues that matter to Wisconsin (we’ll get to that particular lie a little later). 



The comment apparently set off a five-alarm fire at Van Orden HQ, because within hours his Twitter feed transformed into a desperate loop of “I’M TOTALLY WINNING” posts and fundraising spam.  

WEEKLY WEIRD: Will go to bat for his definition of assless chaps

Over the weekend Van Orden posted a photo of himself in chaps saying “feel free to comment.” Then, in typical Van Orden fashion, got mad when people commented.

He then spent a chunk of his weekend arguing with a troll account over the definition of chaps. When someone called them “assless chaps,” Van Orden couldn’t let it go, firing back that ALL chaps are assless. (We cannot believe we have to write about this either.)

With farmers getting hammered by tariffs and rural communities stretched thin with rising gas prices, it is genuinely hard to imagine this is what WI-03 sent him to Washington to do.

PANTS ON FIRE: Van Orden only cares about Wisconsin 

If you don’t include his tweets attacking Democrats in Wisconsin and doxxing his fellow Wisconsinites once again — a hobby for him at this point — only around 6.6% of his tweets in the past week have actually been about Wisconsin. You know, the state he was elected to represent. Just 15 of his 224 tweets were about Wisconsin, and almost none of those even spoke positively of our state.

Some of those Wisconsin tweets were replies to foreign leaders, one even declaring Wisconsin’s maple syrup better than Canada’s. Look, we love a little heated rivalry with our Canadian neighbors as much as the next American, and yes, we will die on the Wisconsin syrup hill if we have to. However, it’s hard to imagine that maple syrup diplomacy is what the people of Wisconsin’s 3rd congressional district care about at this exact moment.

WAY BACK WEDNESDAY: SEAL Book of Man Twitter

Fun Fact: Van Orden has a very public old twitter with some … interesting tweets. We’ve got the screenshots and welcome you to a new addition to Whine Wednesday where we go down DVO memory lane, and if you’d like to check it out for yourself, you can do so here. If you don’t want to subject yourself to this (we don’t blame you), do not fret! We will regularly highlight the weirdest tweets here.

For the first Way Back Wednesday, we are calling attention to the SEAL Book of Man twitter’s pinned post in which Van Orden is promoting his book with The Rock. Listen, objectively cool to be able to promote your book with The Rock, but that’s not what we are focused on here. 

First, some context: If you don’t already know, Van Orden is obsessed with hairlines. We know what you’re probably thinking and yes, this obsession also baffles us as well because Van Orden himself is, in fact, bald. We do not have a habit of making fun of people for being bald or accusing others of balding. What sticks out to us in this Rock photo-op is that it seems Van Orden’s obsession with the state of his hair goes all the way back to 2015. We hope he can get over this obsession soon and start actually working for the people of WI-03, so Van Orden if you’re reading this (and we’re pretty sure you are), here is a resource on hair loss treatments for men.